WITH THIS HOUSE, I THEE WED  print   email
By JOSH JOHNSON   
Wednesday, 23 May 2007
Last year, Brad Pitt told Esquire that he and Angelina would not exchange vows until “everyone else in the country who wants to be married is legally able.” While admirable, he probably didn’t have to worry about how taking such a principled stand might affect his personal finances. He’s a wealthy celebrity.

For other committed, unwed Americans, however, the social and financial benefits granted to those tied down by wedlock are sorely missed. And there are quite a few of us.

“[Brangelina’s] certainly not ahead of the curve or anything,” says Nicky Grist, executive director of The Alternative to Marriage Project, an organization that “advocates to end marital status discrimination.” Citing the 2000 Census and the 2005 American Community Survey, Grist says an increasing number of partnered couples are choosing not to get married, for a variety of reasons.

This coincides with my data. As we’ve aged, my friends have happily sustained long-term relationships without any serious consideration of marriage. And my girlfriend and I have been living together for years in a committed relationship with only playful talk about the big “M.” In addition to sharing Brangelina’s sentiment, we are both children of multiple divorces and are skeptical, if not fully jaded, about the institution. Marriage can ruin a perfectly good relationship.

But then, we also want to grow up and do adult things, like buy a house. Over the last few months, my girlfriend’s desire to become a homeowner reached unparalleled heights, and my unease with the prospect was causing some emotionally heated exchanges. The financial aspect scared the hell out of me, which I still think is reasonable, but there was something else, something I couldn’t place. Finally I realized that for us unwed partners, another big “M” — mortgage — is a surrogate for marriage. Instead of joining at the altar, we sign on the line and commit to 30 years together at an interest rate hopefully lower than 7 percent.

Call me romantic, but the idea that the only legal recognition of our relationship, our only binding commitment to each other, would be a massive debt felt like we were getting married by Alan Greenspan. Those who get to the altar have the benefit of sharing a mortgage, as well as the other fiscal and social advantages of having the union recognized by the State. But they also have a deeper, dare I say spiritual (yuck!) connection witnessed by friends and family. Grist has a solution.

“What I recommend: When you buy your house, and you move in, make it clear to the people coming to the house warming that they are being asked to commit to your success as homeowners and committed couples,” she says.

In our discussions about buying a house, my girlfriend and I quite rationally decided to get married. Sure, we may get divorced, but we promised to be civil and try to remain friends if we do.  And after all, we both like gathering our friends and families together for parties, and it’s easier to get out of marriage than mortgage.

Still, talking to Grist about marriage as a means of discrimination, I feel guilty.

Grist makes it very clear that her organization is not against marriage.  AtMP was formed when cofounder and author Dorian Solot encountered practices that were unfair to the unwed and felt that no one was speaking out on their behalf, including some who didn’t want to marry but felt obligated in order to obtain health insurance benefits, as well as those who wanted to marry but couldn’t because they would lose benefits like disability. The battle against gay marriage, it seems, is not the only type of marital discrimination.

“It’s just as unfair that people who want to marry can’t because they would lose vital benefits as people who want to marry can’t because they’re not allowed to,” Grist says. “We are against the use of marital status as a way to allocate public resources and benefits.  And we’re against marital status as a sort of shorthand for who’s a good or valuable person or not.”

It’s enough to drain the joy out of an engagement.

I hear you, Brangelina, but I’m plunging into both “M”s.

JOSH JOHNSON IS THE CHRONICLE’S ASSOCIATE EDITOR. HE USES HIS COLUMN TO OBSESS PUBLICLY ABOUT TECHNOLOGY, DOMESTIC LIFE, POP CULTURE AND A HOST OF OTHERWISE DISCONNECTED TOPICS.
 
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